LOST dilemma again

I feel lost again....seems like I can't find myself, find my dream, find my stepping stone point, find the ONE I belong as an icon of myself. I dunno what the heck I am talking about here too. I can't stand any longer for ppl who are two headed snake, asking me WHY all the time for something that should be answer by my own guardian angel but it went opposite way... So sick of this career that leading me to nowhere. I felt so small when being interviewed (what I worked is ZERO knowledge in Corp industry). I am making myself as bz as I can, no time to think of my failure now. Probably it's my problem too, I wanted so much for the bonus and reluctant to leave till I get it.... I don't know how. Honestly, work is work n personal is personal and I hate mixing it but some ppl unintentionally mix up yet can make a proud shout out that he/she acting professionally (all the time)

Living in a Black & White world

My life applied with 2colour, Black & white.... I have more black than white. I am lazy to write now.,.... good nite

Eventually....

Just another weekend. But this week I had I told CN that I would like to help her on her wedding, and so now I am her wedding planner cum emcee. Well, it is my 1st experience to b emcee cause most of the time I will just brainstorm idea...I am nervous and also excited!! and eventually... with all these plannings I am busy now!!!

My Music
I've decided to enrol a new class. very antique feel...I guess no one would believe it is me that plays that instruments... I am putting this as a misery 1st and wait until I be able to perform and I will upload it here... yeay!!

Cruelty & Sincerity of Blessing

Many ppl might think I am difficult person or some may say that I am very cool. Then I have to say that I am actually cruel too. I can be very nice to a person, that I would do anything just to make my special fren happy. Well, not yesterday when I attended JY's bday which suppose to be happy one turned out to be very disappointed but expected incident. I was rushing for bridesmaid dressing measurement and then rush down to JY's party. I have known the someone is gonna tell me that JY is finally attach! Well, not surpprise when JC says" I wanna tell u a good news, they r together!". Well, immediately I gave her my reaction "I expected" then JC wondered and questioned me "don't you feel happy for them?" That's the point!!! Happy for them? Ok, I am gonna be very straight forward here.... I do not simply bless ppl just bcoz the party theme said so, or just bcoz they found each other. Anyone, anyone of my friend I know or knew... I put my blessing when I feel this couple has got extraordinary and it's worth blessing them. Blessing is not an authority from a fren to say I allow you to pak toh with this guy/gurl but it is a moral support SINCERELY from heart that wishes them and hope they could walk their journey together and also for the rest of their life. To make this happen, this doesn't mean, you have good feelings, we can have fun together, we can laugh together, we can talk when we meet etc... it's more than this rather than what I mentioned.

Apparently, I know JY's gf, definitely. But she gave very different impression to me last nite prob bcoz she knows I am not blessin her. My hand got green marked by some fella, she was not bothered but when JC had the same thing happen, she immediately offer some bloody cream and I AM NEXT TO JC ONLY! I was pissed but nvm! Then when came to photoshoot, I love taking picture unknowingly and of course I know there are certain picture are prohibited to be posted up on my FB! But this lady (JY's gf) suddenly spoke to me in canton with sacarstic look "you make sure you don't post this picture up" - I said "I know la... " she said - "you should filter your picture 1st" C'mon am I that dumb? So , I answered " don't worry I filter my pictures (coz she don't) she went "hope you know that too..." without lookin at me! Hey, what's yo problem?! Honestly, I bless thousand times more than anyone do for this "couple!" I think I am not that dumb yet for you to critisize my wisdom. I am pissed, I wanted to walk off that time. But I shouldn't be that narrow minded bcoz it's JY's bigday. I know and understand the word "RESPECT" and talking bout this I don't know well the word of GOLDEN FINGER, BACKSTABBING, PRETENDER, ATTENTION SEEKER, soon I will learn.

I do not know if any related mentioned ppl will read my blog or not, if you do please bare in my that this blog serves the freedom of words. Click the right up cross icon if you hate to read this. Thank you.

COMING SOON!

I will soon, slowly share foods in my blog.. good food bring curiosity ! Dessert makes me go HAPPIE!

Stay Tune.....

I'm not sure if being transparent is good or bad but certainly suffering at times, just like now. I am a person that tell things straight to the point especially to my friends and when I can't I will suffer and keep finding ways to forget bout it. At the end, what the fuck that their live have to do with mine? right? Even as of now, I can see it but I cannot do anything to it and I guess when I speak too much it ppl will hate me for being nosy. Even I don't bless someone who might soon to be as ONE but it's non of my business coz ppl has blossom the chances and soon will give the tix for entrance. Seriously, I did asked myself, what the hell is wrong with me? It's not that I like that guy, why do I care so much? I dunno.... seriously...

What TK said was true, how I do survive in a group which I don't belong at all? Isn't funny? I paused and I thought of it, which is true... but I am happy with those moments but ppl might find I am boring and soon there will be someone appear and I will be fading away... which happening now.... I don't blame but I am sad.... n this disturb me. I don't mean to take things for granted, if I can afford I don't mind paying too.... coz many times I went out with frens I did not pay... not that I don't want but BL will not allow plus their bill.... the total amount cost a month of my expenses. Prob my buddy don't mind, but I think I need to save some dignity for myself.

Ms eveningdream traumatization

JY was jokingly came up with a question (which I started off the topic bout marriage). Actually I really really wish this question is so true and it's a real proposal from someone I love. "My mom said is fine to marry you, r u ready?" When I 1st read, I almost got into accident because I did not expect this could be his reply. Of course, he was jokingly in reply to my previous msg. But he did struck me off the whole night and I keep thinking... how I wish this could be true. Movie was moderate (he's just not too into you) and it's bout marriage. It make me thought alot... alot of questiones like... what if I am married, how nice someone could propose. Sounds desperate huh?! Well, after all it's just a dream and sometimes having day dream is something enjoyable. I'm a girl filled with imaginations especially happy things.

Moments Alone
I was in having my dessert in one of the Italian restaurant at the Gardens. The ambiance is always clear and relaxing, moreover the music brought the whole lot of my should NOT think of memories. I sat there for a while before JY and SK drop by. So much memories n thinking. Andrea Bocelli's romantic song, Celine Dion etc.... there goes my mood tonight. Even now.....I am listening to Andrea (but not all track, I still love jazz)

Good Gurl

Have been good gurl for weeks. I know I can't go on with this lifestyle drinking, happy'ing... I mean I do njoy when I don't have to think about tomorrow and of course time pass faster... however, de lifestyle JC is moving is too ridiculous for me to catch up. Sometimes I even told her to mellow herself. I am concerned, honestly, bout her... you may say that I am conservative or whatever, but I just don't want them to suffer from sickness in future or scaring someone off... I wont deny that I did enjoy myself with them. They make me relieve my pains and allow me to see something different in life. I have more more more n more frens also.

Almost There

I went yum cha with JY, and on my way back bout 2.30am I have a sense that I need to be super duper extra careful or else something bad will happen it to me, and yes, my prediction was correct. While I was driving back on the main rain, I saw a bike at the side of the road (indian guy) and he saw I was alone. Then he started his bike... that was the time I keep looking at my back mirror. Immediately I off my headlights n turn to my house, park my car switch off the car. Then I stay in my car for few minutes just to ensure it's safe to get down... n then... I saw the bike with another fella (his fren, i guess) turning at the junction before my house and I could see they were looking around. I was a bit worried. The moment I saw them turning that junction I quickly get down from car (have my house key in hand ady) and rush into my house. Prob I am just paranoid, I don't know... mayb they live somewhere at that road... but no matter how, I think I should be careful since I am out late nite...


Double trip & extra broke
Coming May and July... I'll be going to same country but different city. Bangkok, HERE I COME.... with empty pocket!!!well...well....well... I am looking forward for my May trip coz my passport is expiring very soon (Dec). If I don't travel by now.. bye bye to my passport and wasted my RM500 for it. Yeah, stupid citizenship causes me so much trouble... even in applying passport. This is gonna be a budget trip coz I seriously do not have $ to go andspend like a queen there. But July is an unexpected trip, coz this is sponsored by my mom. I know... she wants me to go so I could keep an eye on my sis!! It's ok... I can have another trip to Khaosan! I guess by that time I only have less than 1k to spend. My Bkk trip budget is 1k only but sadly some of my frens still putting themselves on a priority list- it's not selfish just bout lifestyle matter. I expected a budget backpack style of trip but in the end, it became a normal travelling... it's ok...once in a life time!

Bringing myself on track

I get confirmed last 2week but I don't feel anything positive at all. In fact, I am opening my option to do what hope and wish to do. Even though I have suggested some of the possible changes to improve my job responsibility, however, I could forsee it is more like a hell burden than an opportunity. He is a nice fren(in person)but I can't give compliment over his leadership. I've been guided and lead by many excellent superior/leaders and I guess I am capable to judge him in this case.Well, let's not go too deep about it, coz I guess he should have the self conscious and I am not in the position to tell anyone off. But, I do realized that if I continue to hide under my shell, I will not go that far and I may not reach my dream any time soon. It's really frustrating to have all this shits around me, what to do, GOD thinks I am superwoman.

My dream job: air stewardess/ model
my secondary permanent job: wedding planner/ bridal house/
current situation: non of the above!

See, to reach my secondary dream job I need to spark my career with fruitful experience and exposure. networking is a must. But in my position and enviroment I am nowhere near or close to my position given. I know I can't compare JB(in MNC) which falls the same batch(joined later than me) and same work field with me. But I truly envy on his path of success.... at least he is working on something and something that is seriously meeting ppl and not too conservative type. It's not just about government but community. I'm speechless for myself at the moment....