I have very bad mood today.... emo!
Had an argument with HW and that's it... I called off... everything! n he nvr call back... I suddenly think of some guys who have pampered me to the max! THEY knew I will use my car to release my anger o distress. and they worry it will end up as tragedy... n for HW, he nvr bother to call or sms. He jst let it b... this really makes me feel that he is not caring at all, n what happen if v decide to move on further relationship? I have doubts.... I am very upset that he do not know why I care n concern every single bits. I have enough man betraying me in life... n I really do not wish for a repeat history. How to live with a guy that do not share things in life with you.... n only clarify when shitty things ady happened. what for?

I was supposed to receive a special gift - a camera. But then it all went disappointed due to some expression given by me. I was actually touched and happy but maybe I was having gastric and alot of to-do-stuff in my mind... the reaction was calm~

Sometimes, I wish he could ask if I really want it before making decision and at the end when I ask.... the answer was... "I decided to use it myself.... bcoz I tot u weren't happy with it...." and of course with the intention to get what I like.... IN FUTURE.... SOb! sob!

The last day of 2009!

I have been missing for quite some time due to work n work n unnecessary stress! Well, hope things will be good ahead! Indeed Christmas was good! Received surprise n funny surprises! HW took effort to change things… and I hope things will turn to better ones.

Sis came back not almost a month ady and I only spent very minimal time with her and my family due to work AGAIN! But I did manage to bring family for a good dinner which I told myself I must do it every month! My sis will be going back to spore again…. So I need to talk to the wall again! It’s just so different when there is additional ppl in the house…. I wish I could have an older sister too! At least, I have fewer burdens!

There is much to think when it comes to yr end! And I have this habit of reading my astrology end of the yr and see what these Master have to say about 2010 life and wealth!
So next yr… everything so so only. Special reminder about my financial AGAIN!! I even have a wish list and dreaming of getting a new car…. My dream car….. well, jst wait and see… see if I could save then buy it!

So folks, happie new year… all de best and best wishes to 2010!! Cheers!

all lies...

just when I thought that God is great n he showed me a brighter way when I fell.... actually it is just another test. A test I m fed up to move and accept and I rather giving up coz it's really hurting.....

Hie to my own wall.... I've not been updating any news bout myself. I was busy with the weddings and my new job. Some r great and some isn't that fun. New job so far so good, and I have tough time to cope everything at once since I was malfunction for a year.... so, I need to add oil to pick up myself n be on par in the industry I am working now.

October was a disastrous month,however it actually can be prevented if I want to, but I chose to proceed. Many times, even when I was in a relationship... ppl commented I am too nice/kind to others and these ppl tend to take me for granted and at the end there is no appreciation. What took me to write this out here is because during the month of Oct, many incident happened and at the end of the day, I asked myself... do I feel happy? the answer, NO! WHY... coz I was not appreciated. I don't expect anything in return but at least....at least, put some effort to show some appreciation. It is not about the success or failure of the outcome but it is more of effort that counts! Again, frens asked "after all u have done and sacrificed, do they sincerely thank u and appreciate u?" I kept quiet for a while coz I don't know the answer too... honestly, I don't feel it. My kindness became gossips, and the mistakes became humiliating. There was no space or second chance for improvement... but critics. So, I guess I am putting a full stop and learn to say NO (which I always fail to do so)


It's "early Christmas gift"
I always thought that there will be no miracle happen from HW, there goes my 1st surprise from him. It was totally an unexpected gift coz we had few communication breakdown earlier. I don't know how to share tis piece of love with the rest coz its bout me and him only... no one else would understand and feel it! Hmmmmm and I really do look forward for a good christmas!

Mr & Mrs Lau's Wedding

Finally it has all come to an end.... my task is done and I am free! Yeah, D & C's wedding! It took few months in process to think and figure out the whole gimmick, I would it is not easy when I came out the idea and getting other people to do it. The overall rating for the nite event would be 75% success only. I am proud to say that it was a good one but of course I can't ignore those weaknesses behind. Some people criticized and some complimented us (me and sean). Well, the mistake we did was the very details of the CHINESE PANTANG stuffs! But I have to say that I can't favor everyone there, most important is our groom and bride are fine with the outcome. One example is the gimmick we did and I used a blue scarf (matches my navy blue cheongsam)and ppl said that the colour is or funeral. So, it was a lesson to learn. lol! well, now I noted the weaknesses and I will improve from there. I starting to like this job! hopefully more to come.... lol!! I need to thank my partner in crime sean to make this wedding reception a success also.

You know what, I do realized that men always will be more outstanding than women in emcee career.... and my target is to be one of the women to success in this path. :P

It has been few weeks since the robbery incident, honestly I can't lie that I am still traumatized with the incident. Some frens asked how is he so dumb to show where he actually stays... come to think about it, I guess I can't even promise that I wont do the same thing like him. No one to blame but things are just so unlucky... and what surprised me now is his brother (the victim) is shifting himself to stay at hostel. He did not inform my family member at all, I found out when I saw a car parked at my house. I asked him if that is his fren and he opened the door and said... yeah, coz I am shifting out. I felt sad... coz I feel it is more because of this incident and his brother forced him to stay hostel. He told us that his brother did proposed he want to move out and his brother could stay, but at last the younger brother decided to move out. Hmmmm... I really pity for this guy. He is a quiet and obedient guy. Very straight forward and honest... u ask him few times ... he will tell everything... sigh! wish him all the best...

No more smiles

Ever since the robbery, I never sleep well, eat well and really smile. I always look tension n worried. Every night before I sleep I will do repeated action until I feel ok. I know this is not good and this is not healthy but I can't help it. My parents seems ok, because they don't get to hear many stories like I did. Like my mom, she still ride a bike to many places and this week she got to take care of her bosses' house!! She will never understand how dangerous it is and her life is NOT INSURED if anything happen!!! I advise, I told she never listen. She keeps thinkin of no problem! She never know how crazy an idiot thief could be when they r on drugs! Everything is in my head.... No one to share my worries!

My dad has got listening problem.... so he will not be sensitive with surroundings.and for that I do worry bout him too! Worries he might forget to lock the door, forget to switch off electricity....I don't know how long I could bear such worries. I thought my sister would at least come home and visit my parents. Just bcoz the heels is not at home, she chose not to come back. She never know that mom was blessed by GOD that she is still alive... coz without God's protection I guess she would have no choice to come back either visiting my mom at hospital or unwanted scene....

It has been more than a week since the robbery case, and I am still in worries. Worried doors are not lock, worrying all sorts of unpredictable misfortune agenda! I am so tired but I can't let go this feelings coz it's haunting me without fail... every night!It really kills me.... Imagine I am a bridesmaid for A's wedding and I have one 5cents acne on my face! It's so awful.... everytime when there is any big event, my face will grow acne!sigh~ I don't feel good.... everything! anything....

But then, after staying in A's house for a nite, I feel much better, in fact, they did not lock any doors yet everyone sleep soundly including me (except that the bed is too small for 2 gurls) I've seen many things in a day and I tell myself, only GOD can take my life... not these robbers or any inhumanity criminals. I read in Bible, GOD taught ppl to forgive... and I am learning not to remember it.... hopefully time really helps me to lessen this feelings

I am alone in my room... again my worries n fear haunting me! It only when it comes to night...and everytime at this kind of moments, I will ask myself...where are those people I always treated them like my buddy! I have no boundaries to help out my frens but when I needed someone the most.... ppl would set their boundaries.... I feel upset that no one is here with me when I need someone to accompany me and to walk through my darkest time.... I am really torn!

Now I know.....

I never rejected to anyone help/needs whom I define as "FRIENDS / BUDDY". But it seems that diff people may have diff type of sharing of love. I've not even overcome my trauma and now I am always alone in room! I wanted to share with my frens or at least they r here for me, but no one cares. Some think I will get over it and it's just small small peanuts. Well, not until the needle poke onto ur own skin...the pain is painless! So, they dun prioritize my feelings. I mean, what r frens for? To be sincerely there when he/she needed a fren the most rite! Apparently, no one is with me now...I am alone. Everyone suggest me to have frens for few days to overcome this... but no one is willing to be with me and to overcome my horrible experience!!! And some worried that they might ask for trouble coz dunno the robbers will come back again o not....

I am always there for any of my frens when they needed a fren... but it seems that there is no thing such as kind hearted! I guess is time for me to redefine my terms of calling ppl FRIENDS!

Hey everyone,
This is going to a the worst experience I've ever had this in my life. It started like this....

Ah chi (a guy who rented my room) went to Kepong for a drink with frens at station 1 (1230AM). But his frens din turn up on time, so he went to 7-Elevan (quite a distance) to buy reload card. So the moment he stepped into his car, 2 indian guys came forward and block his door and pointed him with a knife! He was told to give all his belongings....he refused. At the same time, his frens called to inform he arrived, so pressed 'answer' and then he shouted for help and that is when the indians got pissed. They dragged Ah chi to backseat (along 2 indians) and suddenly came up another indian as driver. So total were 4 in car. Ah chi was covered with helmet and his head was pushed down.He can't see anything... while his head was down, he was asked whether he has got money in bank and he replied NO. So, the suspects asked where he lived. He was beaten until he got no choice to tell he lived in OLD TOWN (MY HOUSE!!!!). While they were rounding for 3hours before they came to my house, and in between they actually picked up another 2fellas that took drug in the car. So total now is 5indians and ah chi!

At first, they were reluctant to go in coz there were number of cars in my house. They rounded my house few times and checked who are our family members! Ah chi, was in panicked and he told that the house seperated to 2 floors and as for my floor.... it is only my dad, the only man around with his bro..the rest are females! Now, they know who are there in my house, 4men went into the house and 1in car to take care ah chi! The moment ( my hearts starts to shiver again now...) they came up, they actually tried to open our doors but all locked. Finally he manage to open the last room where ah chi and his bro stays. He pointed the parang at his bro ( AH HONG) and asked him to take off his golds while the rest ransacked his room ( they took PC, PSP, money, ATM,IC)then blindfolded him.

After that, Ah hong heard they walked out... so he thought that they are leaving. A while later, they walked in and unfold his eyes and TOLD HIM TO GO NEXT ROOM TO KNOCK THEIR DOORS!!!!! So Ah hong was so scared but no choice coz the parang was on his neck! Ah hong, went to the door (christine's room and she was not asleep yet) and knocked slowly... so she find it strange and quickly call me, I told her I don't know also. I went to the door, try to listen what sound and even look down through the door hole... I saw shadows only. At that time, my doggie was already alert... he barked!

What pissed me was my mom was so smart that she open her door when she heard some noises!!!!! and when she found there were strangers, she quickly slam the door and lock it!!! During that time, one of the indian did try to hold the door with his parangs BUT failed!! my mom shouted to me asked me not to open the door, and my dad jumped up and shouted for help at the balcony!!! and i also shouted for help.... so dragged ah hong down...ran out the door and then threw him aside!!! they drove off the vios and ah chi was still inside!after 1/2 an hour..they called to ask for ATM pin number. Ah hong told them that he don't have any money in that account. so they instructed him to bank in!!! I did called the police..but they took 20min to arrive coz they were having their SAHUR before fasting!!! The inspector took more than 1/2hour to reach!!! Things and investigation was so bloody slow!!! Police told us to hold their time... while they try to detect...and the end they couldn't help much! coz.... ah hong came up the idea to use FriendFrinder (his ex used to check him with that)..we told the police and they dun even know what the heck is FRIEND FINDER!and asked us how we manage to find it! Then around 7am, we can't wait and we bank in the money... RM1300 coz v negotiated it. They let ah chi go... they left him at the mortuary at jln sg besi... we walked to a man and asked for location details... the man told him and he walked out and took a cab back to his restaurant (he's a chef) and woke up his colleagues that stayed in the hostel...

So, my whole day just running around from JPN, hospital and police station!Ah Chi n Ah Hong can't speak english or little bit of malay... So, I have to be their translator 24/7! Until now...I am still so emo... I dunno how to overcome it! So every time I remember Ah chi told them that our family only few of us and only 1 man, I worried they would come again........

Started 1st day.... in different industry.... so far everything looks good except that I walk more and do more stuffs. colleagues are great, she taught me alot of stuffs although she is only 3months old in that workplace. She brought me to whole building and told me every single procedures and we had lunch together. Lady boss make sure I am taken care of while familiarizing myself to the new environment!! At least I know where I am... what I will be expecting to do... surroundings environment is a bit old but the people are friendly... they won't wait for you to ask but they will approach and say "if you need anything you can ask me.... don't worry bout disturbing although my table a bit messed up" Well, I felt happy and blessed that ppl ere are not self-centered! I am blessed that I have spacious working table too.. well, they r in middle relocating every dept so for time being... me n J r chucked into another level without any supervisory! Owh... we use fingerprints to clock in & out... cool!

well... let's see what's tomorrow... As expected, my responsibility are quite big, cases of complaints are all taken care in a very professional way and I am expected to be tip top for the organization! Workloads .... challenging!!!

Life is so dark n disappointing when "they" do not understand and in fact, giving more stress.... I know it's the culture but I have my own world also... I did struggle to live in other ppl's world and including "you all" but it seems I am not fit... I cried when I tried and things was not appreciated. I just hope ...no more stress and love is all around....

Likewise, when I wanna share some new love around... it seems so hard to feel that would happen coz it takes alot of effort and agreement from some side. Some faces that need to be consider and some stress again I need to walk through... I guess. time is all I need and hope for the best.....

Will update my blog soon...LOL!!!

I was very bz the whole week with seb around. I don't know if I should explain how much effort I've contributed,,,, for a guy who is NOT my someone at the first point. But indirectly I declared too he is someone.... he left ady, and everything is on a distance that may not be any stronger... coz human change gradually... same goes to him... I m really curious if distance relationship is really that tough...

He left ady and now I am on with all my pre planned. stuffs!!! went to support droolotte spinning yday and continue to get crazy with sam... both of us really enjoyed ourselves... too bad... her hubby does have restriction on her...sigh...guess i am lone ranger again!! hmmmm.... it seems like my mind is all bout him,....that's serious man! I nvr have such prob LONG LONG TIME!!!! I guess I am in trouble...oh oh!!!

I tender my resignation...FINALLY!!!! 2months and I could start my new life at somewhere new... I really really pray that this is gonna b a good atart! challenges... hmmmm hmmm...more more more!!! the more the better!!

Dad just whack my doggie until he urinated on the floor! My doggie is jst a MinPin (miniature pinscher). He quietly took a vege from my dad's bowl and my sister shouted very loud to my dad that my doggie took it WITHOUT helping my doggie. I was in the room when incident happened, the moment I heard my sis shouted... I know my doggie is gonna b in trouble!!! Coz my sis tone was more like complaining... I seriously angry and upset that my sister did not think of ways to help but to create more trouble. At the end, my dad whack my doggie terribly and mom argued with dad. It was a chaos...my sis walked to the room n continue her dinner!!! I wish she could have b more mature to think bout other ppl and their feelings too. Because of this argument, I got involved and blamed and adding more stress on top of what I am facing & having now!If my parents really decide to give away this doggie I will leave this house coz my doggie is so innocent, he's jst a dog and he won't know that taking food without permission is wrong and even if he knows he is wrong now doesn't mean he won't repeat the same mistake. I really thought that the best place for me to rest is not a good holiday but a good psychiatric.

I just visited my mom from UM, she looked surprise to see me but we did not talk much. She din even care bout my existence. My appearance was just so transparent to her. It even seems she shared our family stuffs with other ppl. She was mad coz I showed moody face when I needed to send her somewhere ( I was very sick, resting at home). I mean she could even ask my sister to accompany her to translate what she wanna say.I know my mom rely much on me, but sometimes I do hope she understands those stress I am undergoing. What hurt most is the words that she used, killing to heart!! I don't care if anyone believe how upset I am now, cause I know GOD clearly can see n feel what I am feeling now. I hope her operation will go smooth and doesn't suffer like the lady beside her.

The climb - no one understands

I was very speechless when my very own sister do not understand my situation and difficulties plus my tiredness to fulfill my promises and responsibility as the oldest in this family. My contribution may not be alot as a fresh grad, but 50% of my salary goes to my family to ease their burden, just because I do not want to see my mom working late, cleaning ppl's house (and CNY ang pow just RM10- even 5yrs of employment) I want her to rest, as my dad... cant blame he don't understand how hard and stress work are now these days. My sis chased me for few hundred ringgit dinner money coz I haven been stepping into the bank for days.The fact, everyday from office I rushed down to Bangsar (for my part time helping) and I am very bz with my important personal settlement stuffs. My only time I have are weekends (half day - evening go tea club work to help) to REALLY REST, but that also occupied by my parents or sometimes frens ( I do need time for frens, I am not anti social person).No matter how broke I am, I never try to show my parents, I try to portray a more positive situation and find my ways to solve my own problem. The real things are my head is mentally dysfunctional. Everyday, I eat I think of my career, I sleep I think bout my career, I walk I think bout my career, and hopefully GOD listens to my prayer to give my parents a better living. For wat my sis did n said... I was upset & disappointed. Chasing for days and keep asking for balance.(RM200 cash for father's day dinner)

If i ever stop writing, it means I am in Tanjung Rambutan!!!

My blog may sounds black or grey.... I have the habit of writing diary since I was a little kid. I am not the kind that share my doubts with ppl (sometimes on small issues), mostly I wrote it in my little book. As I write... I feel better. It is some kind of remedy to me. Most blogs shares happy moments, I share my happy moments in heart. Not stingy or self-centered. That's my distress manner.